Let’s start it off with shots of Jagermeister
Try not to cough, there’s water in your eyes, sir
Then pretty often, we’re quaffing on some Kraken
It does the trick if your BAC is lacking

And eats you whole, like the men at sea you heard about
Good for the soul, but the liver might get murdered now
You’re in control, you’re expressing your preference
I’m guessing you might try undressing and sex

… Sometimes vodka’s the right stage
Or gin if you’re finicky, beer if you’re underage
… I went under for Lent
Now I’m wondering where all my underwear went

… I got drunk in a tent
Then blundered around in the desert with no sense
… No direction or water
The air just got drier, the sun just got hotter

Then I munched on some mushrooms with Germans
And Russians shared vodka and I kept on learning
And soon I knew why furries had such long tails
Fish swam on by with rudders and sails

… Plus I drink in Kentucky
I meet sexy women and sometimes get lucky
… we can’t be related
They look at my skin tone and like to debate it

Meanwhile, I just try to stay faded
Freestyle, I get high and elated
These wild days just keep getting better
And when it gets cold - shoulda brought a sweater

… I don’t like to play silly games
But I might try to get real on your willing aim
The billing came, and you’re in the red
So this is the week I can only get head

=

It won’t matter if I roll a fatter J
Smoke that shit up and yell shocker!
Like a Mormon, I’m latter day
Put down your ring finger - shocker!
It don’t matter what bladders say
Drink up another and shocker!
Like you’re gay at a Cabaret
Throw your head back and sing shocker!

=

I can’t find the words to express
The lurch in my chest when you stop to caress me
But stupidly, I’ll just keep swerving and babbling
Not sure exactly where we plan on traveling

I’m not mad at all, I just need
Some catastrophes and a fancy ball
I danced against the wall or not at all
Until I grew, I now understand why a man stands tall

… Or demands like Wall Street
I won’t sway in the wind like some tall trees
I’ll stay rooted to my complete lack of empathy
Swallow another pill to knock sense into me

Defensively, I flip flop my hip hop
Then spit tracks at riff-raff til they say my shit’s hot
Then get rocks and smoke them, just kidding, crack’s wack
It’s boring - get pure-cut cocaine and snort that

.. I’m a mess like Rorschach
But close doors like I want more than a Snorlax
Or pour some performance like honey on toast
Adoring fans storm the man who is the most

Was that shit just too nineties?
My bad, sometimes I forget to mind read
I just climb trees as a euphemism
But I’m finding it easier than stupid missions

Now don’t let your close bets go under
Just grease a few palms and be calm
It’s no wonder you’re never a man of decisive precision
And now the tide’s risen and you’re missing it

I’m slick as shit when it comes to the business
Of winning and bipolar illness
I’m stylish like prisms refracting your vision
So break up the party like fission

=

I like phones where I can replace batteries
Fuck all the fanboys, shocker!
You’re alone if you think that it matters, hey,
All I can say is, shocker!
You think you can sway me with flattery?
Fuck your ass-kissing, Shocker!
I’m unraveling and I’ll get mad today
Then I’ll man up and I’ll shocker!

=

I get crunked, don’t let punks get hipster
We’ll slam dunk their hat in a pitcher
Then dance on their girl and drink quicker
The bartender fixes a mixed drink and licks fingers

… I’m not whistling Dixie here
But I might find me some dime chicks and disappear
I’ll combine them and we’ll form the Megazord
Travel through time until mine and your legs are sore

… I’m hung like a stegosaurus
Osmosis like membranes are porous
Of course, you might want to wield the Force
We’ll resort to the feeling of no remorse

… I’ll compose myself properly
Kiss my dog, pet my wife, sail on an odyssey
There’s no stopping me when my mind’s made up
I drink wine and think lesser men would be sated

… I don’t want to erase facts
Or rearrange monogrammed souvenir place mats
I’m just thinking you might reconsider
I’m wasted and wasting time’s making me sicker

I faceplant on structured formality
No way that guy gets paid a salary
Hooray, my mind’s placid and normally
I wouldn’t mind if you greeted me formally

This time there’s no time to waste talking
Get shitfaced and piss breaks will happen less often
My mistake was that last shot of Cuervo
And this grape blunt might make it go turbo

… Get the last word and bounce quick
And never mind who tipped the greatest amount, dick
Just act natural, grab her ass as you leave
Plastered and naturally she’s a masterpiece

=

It won’t matter if I roll a fatter J
Smoke that shit up and yell shocker!
Like a Mormon, I’m latter day
Put down your ring finger - shocker!
It don’t matter what bladders say
Drink up another and shocker!
Like you’re gay at a Cabaret
Throw your head back and scream shocker
I like phones where I can replace batteries
Fuck all the fanboys, shocker!
You’re alone if you think that it matters, hey,
All I can say is, shocker!
You think you can sway me with flattery?
Fuck your ass-kissing, Shocker!
I’m unraveling and I’ll get mad today
Then I’ll man up and I’ll shocker!